


Regeneration

by BananaStrings



Category: Agent Carter (TV)
Genre: Character Study, Getting Together, Introspection, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, Self-Acceptance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-15 07:35:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29805075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BananaStrings/pseuds/BananaStrings
Summary: Jack is self-aware.
Relationships: Jack Thompson/Alex Doobin
Kudos: 1





	Regeneration

Jack couldn't stop hiding. He knew Peggy thought it was some cowardice, after he'd disclosed his war secret to her. Everyone had one, he'd thought she would understand his. He'd thought she would understand that if he didn't hide, he couldn't do his job, imperfectly or not. 

He was almost glad she didn't understand. He was glad she couldn't see that it was not cowardice. It was worse. He'd cut out his heart to do this job. No fella since the war. No word, no look, no nothing. That level of self-suppression was a good attribute for a spy, but that shadow he cast over himself never lifted. It just grew.

It shaded his mind and his sight. He couldn't tell when people came to him with good intentions or bad. So, when powerful men had come to him, promising him some light—one favor here and another there—he'd been desperate enough to follow those promises. He'd wanted to hide in their light, names lit up as heroes (just like before).

He didn't know how Daniel did it. The man may not have been a deviant, but he was not like other men Jack knew. He could stand in front of anyone and listen, open himself up like that. Jack hated it. Hated him, for being able to do that, like he had no fear, nothing to bury. He didn't understand it, and didn't expect Daniel to understand him.

He understood Peggy much better and had confided in her for that reason. He'd watched her hide things, bury them in a hole in the wall. Bury her heart. He'd watched her go to powerful men for help in Howard Stark. He understood Peggy and he wondered if she understood him too. 

Maybe he told himself she didn't, because he didn't want her to. Maybe he'd rather imagine her disappointed in him than sympathetic. All he'd done in that old, tragic story had been what he'd been trained to do. That was all her ever did. And maybe that was where the tragedy lay. Peggy had pushed past hers, and done plenty she wasn't supposed to, to take Arms against a Sea of troubles.

It was impossible, he'd been telling himself. No manner of arms could hold back a tide. He'd be a fool to try. Training vs. instinct. He'd always chosen training, but if his instincts were truly natural to him, if he sought a man, as a wave was drawn by the shore, then to try to stop that was the fool's act.

Not a coward then, just a fool. That at least he had the humility to acknowledge. He stepped into the research lab at the end of the shift. Alex’s ginger beard glowed red in the special bulbs, first man in and last man out. This was not a fool. 

"We’re late to leave again," Jack announced to get his attention. "I could use some company. Let’s go eat." 

The man’s grin was startling. No, this was not a fool.


End file.
